Striving i suppose

Striving for something
but not quite sure what
those around me can assume
but what is it truly
true in the truest sense --
it's only broken thoughts
seeking something
but still not sure what
Maybe I'll find it, 
I just hope not on my death bed


Struggle Deuces

Just sitting, waiting to be chastised
by everyone else that you know
the feeling is worse than the actual torture of being confronted
i wait, constantly .. waiting for the next confrontation
while constantly sinking like a stone in the sea
the thought is with me, almost unstoppable
sadness coats the house, the neighborhood
but why
because of the matter on the floor
the reality sets in as does the blood in the carpet
no one understands but the gun
she understands me, with her hot barrel still smoking
she understands exactly why i chose her, why i did i
and more important than all.. why today?

Mein Kamph

I want you all to understand..

there is a moment that happens
one second you are fine
the next.. you are unacceptable
and at first you dont see what you are doing
you dont understand whaT is happening to you
you take a drink, and then you drink yoour chaser
and the everything speeds up
its going so fast
youre trying to keep up,
but every thing, AND I MEAN EVERYTHING
is moving so fast
then all of a sudden, its moving so fast you cant keep up
then you think to yourself
"im here drinking, i know im drinking, and fuck yeah
give daddy a shot"
and you remember taking that shot
but you have no idea what happened afterwards...
black out
black out
black out
..then all of  a  sudden you remember.. something..
..but what?
You spent it, its done, its too late
everyone youve had sex with
you lose a part of you with them
and you leave a part of yourself with all of them
and who cares

you do!

but then what?
you drinkand at first it is whiskey
im sorry but whiskey makes me crazy

"whiskey makes you violent!"
well, my love, i shall never again ingest that terrible
 substance known as whiskey!

now i shall drink only the clear liquors
because of course!
the violent matter of my drinking problem
it means that everything is ok
because clear liquor is my messiah...

everything is perfect now
She loves me, I love her..
We are meant to be
...but what the fuck?  im acting the same way on
CLEAR liquors??
I should figure this out
because i am so smart
however far beknownst to me, she was already planning to leave
everything she had ever loved about me..
she left behind..

and im sitting wondering..
And im blaming her
that slut
that whore
Fuck her!
Walk away from me, whore!
Fuck you
but then i realized that i was the reason.
I was the reason she left, i do not deserve to live, i
definately didnt deserve her
and also, i don't deserve to live the way i treated her
My love
The love of my life, i would die to see you happy
But it will never happen
no matter what i do, i will only make her miserable..b
So i must walk away and hope for the best
for the both of us

Mylady i am so incredibly sorry for even a second of your life that
you were not happy

I wish we could be happy together, but the only way i would be happy is with you
and the only way you will be happy is if you aren't with me
So i'm sorry.. i wish not to hisnder your love and happiness,
but only to encourage it.. Please take me back
else, walk away and be happy with someone else, but i cannot handle
anything other than these options.
i dream of you being next  to me
and i dream of you being my wife
but i hold nothing against you for being part of neither..i love you, and i am sorry for bothering you
Goodbye love


.357 to the face
nothing has ever been so cold on my face
but the cold steel is so comforting to me
i need that shelter from everything
but the more it rains the more holes are in my roof
the shelter disappears as the day goes on
and what began as a cry for help
becomes a wanting to leave, leave it all
i just want to believE
But since i was a child, there was controversy
The thought of forever
.. and ever.. and ever
And fucking for.. ever
let it roll in you brain, let it flip your mind.

and you possibly will want an answer as well..
or you shall make your own.

my life my love

my love, my life..

i love you, without thought, without anything
but, with everything
my life is lived around you..
but.. i didn't show you that
i showed you only the bad
the down
the low
i was terrible, i say to this day that i love you
but i don't think i ever even tried to show it to you..
and after all of this, we lost our heads..
and all that followed fell
its about time that i came clean.. my emotions, my thoughts, my life
these are so personal, and you blamed me for keeping it all inside
but i just couldn't let it go, i felt like i was scared
if i let it go, i would let you in
i can't let you in.. inside my head, my thoughts,
im scared of my thoughts, so to me, how would you feel or think
when faced with my thoughts
its about time.. you got sick of me
no longer fun, and so far from interesting
i think, i thought, we were young, in love..
then, it was over. from all to nothing.
the love has not faded, and i fear you were my one and only
the chance that i get, that i got..
i dream, of you, and of nothing else
but i cant dream, since i quit sleeping
you wAlk away and pretend
stop pretending.. the love is there
im sorry.. no, im not
im not sorry, i love you and i loved the days we spent together
come down and be with me, leave your pedestal...
if only everything could feel this way.. i love you
punkin pot pie, you can do and you can say
whatever you shall.. but in the end
out of your head, and out of mine, we belong together
i would take the world and invert the sky and the earth to win you back
i just wish you would give me the chance..
you were to be my wife, and i was to be you husband..
too often now, we toss away what we have..
i just wish you wouldnt toss me away, but drag me out
out of the garbage you call your old life..
i miss you, i want you, and this is honestly the last attempt i will make..
im sorry, but you said we would stay in touch, and thats all i expect, i love you, and will never stop doing so.. i just wish
we could come to a sort of level..
if absolutely nothing else, i would love to hear your voice.. after this message, unless you wish it to be different..
you will never hear frome me again.
I just wish it didn't have to be this way.. believe me i would do anthing
to get you back..
if i were told to strap a flag to myself
and march into enemy combat, i would
if only i thought i would return a hero
a hero to you, love!


Trying Not to Die

The beginning
It happened a long fucking time ago
we were all alive for one
no one had yet passed, not even in the most benevolent way
We wer alive and fucking FUELED
Running, gunning, fuck the rest
we will fucking live forever
drink and drink and fuck and fuck
and blow and fuck
and snort and fuck
The devil himself has risen to earth to congratulate us on our debochery
There is no stopping us, the train is running
You cannot stop it
Nor can Nazi tattoos, nor can "silly sally"

We are who we are, and will always be
Death upon us, we shall not change
We shall aproach it, smile for the picture,
and yell "Please!!"